Vexen's Prank clean crackfic
by Dragon Princess Orochiko
Summary: We've seen the Riku Replica and the reject Vexen clones...but there were nine years of idleness before the Kingdom Hearts storyline. What was he doing to keep busy? Find out in this clean but hilarious story!
1. Chapter 1

Saïx was getting tired. He had finished his assignment for the day: de-bugging the main computer which had been filled with viruses and spyware from Xigbar searching for surfboards online. That had taken nearly all day for the computer had completely crashed and had even lost the Windows Vista Ultimate that Xemnas had paid several thousand munny for. Installing all the programs back on including Halo II and Limewire, took only an hour once the computer was completely clean of viruses.

Saïx had left the computer room with Zexion and Lexaeus excited to be playing Halo again after having a withdraw of ten hours. Immediately as Saïx trudged from the room, he heard Zexion's frustrated snarl of, "You're not seriously using a Warthog?!" Saïx shook his head at the fanatic's yelp of surprise of Lexaeus's weapon.

His back was stiff and shoulders cramped from sitting all day long. He began wondering if he should go for a few laps in the gymnasium pool to loosen up, but it was new moon and his energy was extremely low so he might ending up drowning. He didn't feel like repeating last month's episode at New moon.

He had forgotten to hold his breath since he was so tired and he inhaled some water. Naturally, Demyx who had nothing better to do than listen to Ravi Shankar and play popular songs on his sitar, was doing laps around the Olympic sized pool. Seeing that Saïx wasn't moving, he dogpaddled over and shook the Luna Diviner. The sky haired man didn't respond. With no hesitation, Demyx's lifeguard side took over and he dragged the short man onto the floor. "Aw man…come on Saïx, wake up," Demyx pleaded and shook Saïx. "Ngh…I wish Larxene wasn't afraid of water…" He checked for a pulse, which there was none and he was forced to do the one thing he was hoping to avoid. He leaned over and positioned his mouth right over Saïx's and blew. Demyx had been a lifeguard and surfer in his human's life, but never had to do CPR on a man.

A moment later, after seven breaths and several sets of compressions, Saïx's eyes opened wide and yellow with berserk energy. The scar on his face thickened and bore jagged edges. He sat up abruptly, fangs bare and hair standing up on end like an enraged cat. The sudden outburst made Demyx jump and he fell backwards into the pool. Saïx quickly calmed himself down and looked around. He coughed up water and then put a hand to his head. "Ugh…"

Demyx's head popped for the water. "You okay, Saïx? You almost died."

Saïx blinked, eyes bloodshot from chlorine. He coughed again. "Yeah…I'm good for now," he said with a voice like a rattlesnake's tail. "Did…I attack you?"

"Almost. Don't worry about it. Just don't swim on a new moon, dud, it'll kill ya next time," Demyx warned and dove backwards.

Back to the present, Saïx didn't want the embarrassment of having to be resuscitated again. He would have to skip the exercise for the night. A nice hot bath would be nice, he thought to himself.

So he did. Being second in command, he got his own bathroom while the other members save for Xemnas and Larxene had to shares bathrooms. Saïx had a Jacuzzi in his bathroom which he liked to fill halfway with scolding hot water and the other half with bubbles. Sitting in the tub with his feet sticking out, he groaned at the sharp pain in his tailbone. Sitting the way he always did would be enough to make anyone's rear hurt.

The hot water soothed his stiff muscles and he didn't get out until he felt like rubber. With a white towel wrapped around his waist, he stepped out into the hall to head to his room. He was met Vexen who had the same idea. The blonde nobody had a towel around his waist and his long hair was wet and combed back away from his face instead of having the bangs on the sides. Saïx was surprised. Vexen actually showered for once in the past two weeks. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Vexen showered every day like most of the others with one problem. He never seems to get clean for when he turns on the water, he forgets to lower the strength of his powers and the water turns to ice on his skin. However, tonight, he obviously had a successful shower.

Anyhoo, Vexen's lips played a slight smirk as he passed his superior. Saïx glanced back briefly, but the Chilly Academic had already slipped into his room. He didn't like what the crazed scientist was up to lately. Vexen had seldom been out of his room where his laboratory was at and when he was, it was only to raid the freezer, shower, or because Xemnas had ordered him out to do something.

After moment of awkwardly standing in the hall, doing nothing, Saïx turned the doorknob slowly as to not make it squeak. He pressed his back against the wall and kicked the door open. He peeped inside the darkened chamber. There was no moon to shine through the window so seeing was nearly impossible. He gazed about, eyes narrow and suspicious. All those James Bond movies had had watched in his spare time were beginning to pay off.

"Saïx?" asked a perplexed voice from behind. The Luna diviner turned slowly. It was the Whirlwind of Six Lances. Xaldin had just got back from Fantastic Sam's where he had his dreadlocks redone. Larxene hadn't done a good job the first time. He stepped forward. "What are you doing?"

Saïx straightened up. "Mr. Popsicle is up to something and I don't like it."


	2. Chapter 2 Gemini?

The Next Day

"Larxene, there's no food in the fridge or pantry and there's a long shopping list," Xemnas said. He had summoned the girl who now stood before him with her arms crossed and green eyes blazing with boredom. She was never comfortable around the Superior and rarely made eye contact with him. Even right now, her head was turned away. "The others are extremely hungry and we're not going for pizza again."

"Alright! I get it! I'll go," Larxene snapped. "Just don't send Xigbar with me again."

"And why not? He's a fabulous sniper should anything happen," Xemnas said. Larxene jabbed her finger at Xemnas's chest.

"Because, your Majesty, the store YOU insist that we shop at has an arcade primarily made of shooting and hunting games. I can never peel him away unless I force him into a corridor!" the Savage Nymph explained.

"I see. I'll send Saïx and Axel with you," Xemnas said. Larxene still was not satisfied.

"Saïx, okay, but Axel, no way! He talks too much and he fights with Saïx a lot. How about Marluxia?"

"You'll get nothing done."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"I'm sending Vexen and Saïx and that's final," Xemnas said. Larxene's eyes widened and her face turned red. He was sending her worst nightmare with her…Vexen. Out of all the members, she loathed, if nobodies could hate, him the most for his dry humor and stupid pranks that Larxene never understood. There was also that issue of Vexen constantly moving his eyelids while he talked. Let me explain; Vexen rarely moves his eyebrows for when he "raises one", he's actually raising one eyelid and not the brow.

Anyways, so here we are at Wally-World (aka Super Walmart) with three Organization XIII members strolling down the aisles, getting things like rice, rice vinegar, miso, vegetables, fruits, ice-cream (for Vexen), Oreos, shrimp, meat, LOTS of chicken, beans, soups, Cocoa Puffs, Fruit Loops, oatmeal, Easymac (which they all have a tendency to burn for some strange reason), pastas, tomato and alfredo sauce, and much more.

Larxene was fuming mad by the end of the trip for Vexen had not shut up about sea cucumbers and the strange way they mate. She was almost ready to ask Saïx to go berserk and kill Vexen, but Saïx wouldn't go berserk in such a public place. Come to think of it, Saïx hadn't spoken much at all the entire trip. He was pretty quiet and simply helped gather items to put in the carts (yes, that's plural. Feeding 13 people for an entire week with most of them being college-age males, you need A LOT of food!).

"Saïx, can you help with laundry?" Demyx asked as he passed by. Saïx was in the middle of reading an astronomy textbook he found at Borders in the bargain section. He glanced up.

"It's not my fault you forgot to do it the past week!" Saïx snapped. Demyx's eyebrows creased.

"Please, Saïx?" Demyx whined. Saïx glared at him from the couch. The young member would need to learn sometime that chores were chores.

Meanwhile, Xemnas, who had been devising schemes to obtain Kingdom Hearts, looked up from his work at the sound of Saïx's cool voice. "Saïx, you were supposed to go with Larxene, shopping. Have you returned already?"

Saïx grunted and rose from his comfy position on the couch and sauntered into the computer room where Xemnas had kicked Lexaeus and Zexion off their game of Halo II and was working on the main computer. He bowed briefly and then straightened up. "I don't know what you're talking about. You never said that."

Xemnas's eye narrowed. "Don't play games with me, Saïx. I saw you go with them. Now, why did you come back without them?"

"I told you. You never said anything about me going to help Larxene with shopping. If you did…" Saïx said and trailed off. Just then, Vexen sauntered in with a receipt at long as he was tall. He was glancing over it.

"Sir, the bill this week was 1,567 munny. Less than usual especially with the sales and it being total tax free weekend, and we were able to get lots...more…" he said and glanced at Saix. His left eyelid rose and his green eyes were more grass colored than normal. "Saïx? I thought you were helping Larxene put groceries away?"

Saïx and Xemnas glanced at each other and then back at Vexen. "What?"

With no hesitation, Saїx bolted from the room, nearly knocking straight into Vexen.


	3. Chapter 3 The End yeah, it was short

Something was wrong. Something was sooooo wrong! Saïx eyes twitched with anticipation as he ran from room to room in the castle. He accidentally walked in on Xaldin who was getting dressed. The Whirlwind Lancer screamed in rage when he knew that Saïx had seen his ducky boxers and chucked one of his lances at Moon Man.

"Sorry!" Saïx growled and moved to the next room. Lexaeus and Zexion were playing Halo III…typical. "Not here!"

By the time he had checked ever nook and cranny of the castle, he was exhausted and had to slump down in a chair in the foyer. It was less than two minutes before Axel stormed in, flaming mad…literally. Saïx had never seen him so furious. "What's up, man?"

"STOP PLASTERING MY ELVIS POSTERS OUTSIDE MY ROOM!!!! THOSE WERE EXPENSIVE, YA KNOW!" Axel screamed. Saïx looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What are you talking about, hag? I did nothing of the sort?" Saïx said. Axel grabbed him by the scruff and pulled him forward.

"You big fat liar! I watched you do it!" Axel snapped.

"Don't shout your smelly breath in my face, hothead, I think Snowflake's up to something!"

"Am I missing something?" Saïx asked from the side. Axel looked up. He look back at the man he had been screaming at. He looked at the newcomer and at Saïx again. They were the same.

"You…." The real Saïx said already going berserk. The Saïx II grinned stupidly and bolted the opposite direction. Before another word could be spoken, Axel and Saïx darted after him.

Chasing the Saïx clone was more difficult than they expected. He was as agile and quick-footed as the real Saïx. Eventually, they passed Vexen's room, but Axel stopped. "Saïx, wait!"

The berserk man halted instantly and turned, eyes still glowing with fury. "What?"

"Payback," Axel said, walking to Vexen's door. It was locked, naturally, but Axel's flames were more powerful than the lock…but Vexen's door withstood the fire. "Drat…"

"Move," Saïx said. He suddenly whipped his hands around in many strange forms and finally thrust his hand down, "KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

With that, a giant green snake appeared. It was so big, that its body nearly filled the hallway. As if secretly cued, the snake rammed its head into the door, caving it in. Dizzy and bewildered, the snake disappeared. Meanwhile, Axel had fainted from shock.

Saïx stormed into the room and gazed around. He found the shocked scientist, mixing a pink chemical into water, but he had stopped to look up with a wide-eyed expression. "Eh?"

"You're dead!" Saïx growled and grabbed the nearest beaker. Without thinking, he chucked it at the Chilly Academic who had no time to react.

BANG!

POOF

SIZZLE

Two Hours Later

Marluxia sighed as he gazed at the fresh pot of flowers by his bed. The flowers were shaped like sakuras but were made completely of ice. In each petal was a grumpy looking face…Vexen's face.

"You don't know how much better you look, Vexy," Marluxia said.


End file.
